Of Herbs and Stewed Plot Bunnies
by AStormIsBrewing
Summary: Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, and do not feed the characters. They're on a hunger strike.
1. Zuko is Reincarnated as a Fish

Disclaimer : I ate it.

An explaination:

I really really love to hate Zuko. I mean, he's my favorite character after Iroh and Toph and Azula and Jeong Jeong and Pakku and the Random Elderly Studdly Male Assistant of Aunt Wu(HE'S MINE!), who all go without saying, but he is just too easy to make fun of.

Overall : Spastic, emo, angsty, prideful, stupid, and have you ever considered making an AMV of him to any Shania Twain music? F-U-N-N-Y.

First Season : Bald; not a pretty, pretty princess; anger managment; Crocker Syndrome; lisp

Second Season : Chia Pet, pimpmastah, Hallucinations, Zuzu, what happened to him after that fever (?)

Third Season : Maiko, Impersonations, swimsuits, Klutz

In short, Zuko plus Emotion equals Gigglesnort. He thinks with his heart, and while that's admirable, it's also laughable.

* * *

**Zuko is Reincarnated as a Fish**

* * *

Zuko could truly say he hated the gods. He thought he had been doing the right thing, he really thought he had, but then he had to go and DIE and listen to the King of the Underworld's brat tell him what an idiot he had been, and that his punishment was going to be being reincarnated as a fish. 

After the initial fit of rage, he calmed down. A little. He would be allowed to keep his memories, and, surprisingly, his firebending. He wasn't very sure what help that would be as a fish, but he didn't complain. Once he died in this form, he would just come back and kill everyone as a ghost.

As he was now, though, just the death of every official in Underworld would never be good enough. Ever. Zuko would have to rule hell, sitting on a monkey pelt, using Koenma's corpse as a foot rest, to ever be happy with what had been done to him.

At first it hadn't been too bad, though the cold gave him some anxiety. He comforted himself with the rationalization that he couldn't possibly be anywhere near the southern water tribe.

Rationalization was lying to him. He gaped like a stupid fish when he saw that big, fuzzy snot monster fly overhead, and his temper got the better of him when he set the stupid water peasant's canoe on fire.

Fish : 1 ; Watertribe : 0.

It was a while before Sokka got a new canoe, but with the rest of the water tribe back, Zuko had to lay low. Setting their boats on fire didn't always kill them, and Zuko had almost been killed more times than he could count, so he stopped doing that. For a while, he waited.

And waited

And waited.

Finally, Sokka had a new canoe. He had taken his sister with him, and they were far out of the way, where if suddenly their boat caught on fire, they would probably die.

"Oh my God! That fish was firebending!"

"Sokka, get real," Katara replied.

"It singed the fur! That's real enough!"

Katara leaned over to look at the blackened fur. "Oh my-- Ah!" She narrowly dodged Zuko's attack.

Attacking the waterbender had been a mistake. He realized that a moment too late, trying to swim for his life away from the small craft. Katara had matured, and now she was very powerful. The canoe caught up, and in a moment the waterbender had a bubble of water floating in the air in front of her, with a Zuzu fish inside it. Suddenly the outer part of the water became ice, and he was caught.

Now he was in a thick bubble of ice, with no way to escape. He was in the middle of the village, no water anywhere nearby. He stayed where he was, mentally cursing the water peasants while they argued over his fate.

Sokka tapped on the ice, and Zuko rabidly attacked his finger. "I think we should eat it."

"At least wait until Aang gets here. He'll want to see it." Katara looked curiously at the fish. "There's something familiar about it."

"We were chased by firebenders for years. Now one just happens to be a fish. I think we should deal with the threat now."

"Well, at least we can give it a better enclosure." Katara picked up the orb and carried the fish outside. She used her waterbending to melt the snow to make a fairly good sized pond for the fish. "Now we have our own spirit oasis!" Zuko the fish jumped out of the water and futilely shot flames towards the waterbender. "Though admittedly a little ghetto."

People had stopped coming anywhere near the pool. Zuko was an angry little fishy, and he would have been dead many times if Katara had not stopped them. Zuko was not sure he was thankful.

When the Avatar finally arrived, he put his little fishy brain to good use, watching and waiting.

"What did you guys want me for?" Aang asked. "Your note was kind of cryptic."

"Aang, you're never going to believe it. The thing that was setting all our canoes on fire before," Sokka said, with his usual 'this is serious' voice, "was a fish! It can firebend."

Aang looked to Katara, who sighed and nodded. "Oookay . . . . let's see it."

Seeing the avatar again . . . sent Zuko on a rampage. He jumped higher than he ever had before, trying to burn the airbender's eyes out. Anything, at this point. Anything.

Zuko lay gasping on the icy ground, gasping for water. He was still a fish, and the avatar towered over him. When Aang picked him up, suddenly the world disintegrated. It was just Zuko, the avatar, and a swirling mass of grey.

"I hope you learned your lesson," the avatar said. "You're making some really bad karma. I know it's against my code, but I'm going to have to do this, little guy." Aang put Zuko on a cutting board that had materialized from the grey, and his glider transformed into a butcher's knife. "Sorry, man," he said, as the steel came speeding down . . . .

"Ahhhh!" Zuko shouted, still expecting to feel the bite of steel any moment.

Just a dream. It was just a dream. He was still in bed, in Ba Sing Se, and the Avatar was dying, if he wasn't already dead. Zuko got up and decided he needed breakfast.

Apparently Azula and her cronies had the same idea. "What's for breakfast?" he asked sleepily.

"Fish!" Ty Lee answered.

The look that passed over Zuko's face was something between surprise, horror, and motion sickness. "I'm not hungry," he muttered, stumbling out of the room.

"But it's good fish," Ty Lee said, almost sounding downtrodden in Zuko's refusal.

Her only reply was the sound of Zuko vomiting.

I protect and nurture my brainchildren. I hope to add another addition to this disturbing family of crackfics, but, you know, brainfarts just don't happen. I was REALLY bored.


	2. Backwards Crossdressing

Crossdressing. Gotta love it. You also gotta love unisex uniforms of any kind, always ridiculously big or insanely tight, except in the cartoons. Damn you, Kyoshi warriors . . .

So this lovely chapter is dedicated to anyone who has ever marched onto the field, and can't tell yourself from the freshman next to you because of your lovely wool winter jacket.

* * *

**Backwards Crossdressing**

"Sokka, your headband is on inside-out."

The Water Tribe teenager looked up at Suki, his expression somewhere between disappointment and frustration. "What?!"

"Yeah. You got your armor on backwards, too. I told you to just let me help. I got it all wrong my first time, too."

"What's with this thing?!" Sokka shouted, pulling the headband off and smudging the make-up _again_. He twisted the fabric and stuck it back on his head – lopsided, wouldn't you know it – and crossed his arms.

Suki shook her head, chuckling slightly as she reapplied the eyeliner.

"Yeah, I'm sure this is really funny, putting make-up on a guy," Sokka sulked.

"That wasn't what I was laughing at. Call it an . . . initiation ritual."

Sokka's face dropped in disbelief. "You're going to do my make-up even more weird and embarrassing than it already is."

"No." At Sokka's skeptical expression, she held up a small hand mirror. Flawless Kyoshi make-up stared him in the face, though his expression seemed to droop more at seeing this.

Sokka didn't seem to notice anything different about his headband, either, and Suki was not inclined to tell him. "Just get this over with," he groaned.

Suki smiled, barely able to contain her mirth, as she went on about the finer points of warrior dress.

* * *

"Suki, you — " The Kyoshi warrior blinked, looking first to Sokka, and then back to her leader. "You got him didn't you?" 

"Got what?" Suki asked innocently. Sokka glanced between the girls, an expression of bewilderment etched across his face.

"Nice . . ." was all the other girl said, as she stepped out of the dojo.

Sokka turned uncertainly to Suki, fearing another girl ritual. "What was she talking about?"

"The 'initiation,'" Suki explained, laughing nervously and rubbing the back of her neck (not hard enough to 'scratch the paint'). "There isn't a front or back to the armor. Or the headband."

"_What?!_"

"Yeah. We do it to all new recruits. The problem is, the rumor already circulated around the village and it's been a while since we could get anyone with it. You were new blood. Figured we'd try it."

"I can't . . . believe you . . . ."

* * *

"Hey, Katara."

The waterbender turned to see her brother lounging against Appa's saddle, still bedecked in the Kyoshi warrior uniform. "What is it?"

"Your hair loopies are on backwards."

"What?!" Katara involuntarily reached up to touch one of the hair loopies. "No they aren't!"

It was too late. Sokka was already laughing like an idiot. Aang looked back at the two siblings. "It wasn't that funny, Sokka."

Sokka stopped laughing, his face suddenly serious. "That's an ancient Kyoshi warrior tradition you're disrespecting."

Katara raised an eyebrow. "Right."

"No, seriously, it is."

"I believe you."

"Obviously you don't."

"Would you rather I ignored you?"

"Ye — no."

"Alrighty then."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Fine!"

"Suit yourself." Katara's eyes narrowed shrewdly. "Though I bet you couldn't get back into that

uniform properly in a million years."

* * *

Also dedicated to every freshman that ever fell for the 'Your plume's on backwards' joke. Ha, ha. Freshies. 

The Kyoshi statue seems to have this 'Get off, b,'(sorry, keeping the K+ rating) expression while the artist is restoring her.

Yeah. Reviews are nice. Feel obligated. Feed my growing ego. Please.


	3. Sokka's 'Real' Master

Well, boys and girls, I had a major Foamy moment. 'Twas a Foamy moment to end all Foamy moments. Like Foamy surrounded by every incarnation of the Avatar since the beginning of time.

Yeah, it was that foamy.

A few days ago, I read this summary of the episode that will be coming out this week :

_When Sokka feels he's not contributing enough to the group, he seeks out a mysterious master to teach him the ways of the sword._

It took a few days for this to sink in fully. I was sitting down when my epiphany finally struck, and I don't recommend ever having one. It feels like being punched in the gut.

Anyways, I was laughing so hard, and I had this warm and fuzzy feeling, and I'm debating whether or not to shoot my inner fangirl for this one. Well, the idea delighted me, even though I know it was wrong, and you'll get the picture.

Oh, and here's the Zutarian's warning. Maiko if you like, and a whole lot of Zuko not gettin' any. (Honestly, I have reasons to love and hate both pairings. Let them have a cat fight, or a threesome.)

* * *

**Sokka's (_Real_) Master**

"When you look at it, I've been shown up by girls during this entire journey; I've been kidnaped, captured, and held hostage more than anyone, and frankly, it's getting really embarrassing. So what do you say? Will you help?"

The Masked man had never said a word before, just sat there like a stupid freaking cat, staring through Sokka's explanation and never indicating one decision or another. And he just continued to stare.

Sokka saw it as quite rude, honestly, but to the strange, silent specter, it was more . . . utter idiocy.

And Sokka, being the utter idiot the man in the mask knew him to be(never seemed to have any use beyond whining and making noise and uselessly throwing that boomerang of his), was not ready to use swords yet. Breaking two sticks off a nearby tree, moonlight glinted off the Blue Spirit's mask. He tossed the stick, mentally cringing as Sokka caught it . . . with his forehead.

By Agni and all the spirits, this was going to be a really, really long night.

* * *

"Mai." 

It was not a voice the teenager was particularly pleased to hear, not that Mai was pleased to hear anything, but Azula seeking her out meant some sort of slightly less dull relief from the endless boredom that constantly gripped her mind.

Azula's own voice, usually rock hard and razor edged, had an taken an unusual tone. Unless Mai was mistaken, it sounded tight with suppressed . . . laughter? No, certainly not.

"Zuko's being stupid again."

"How is that new?" Mai's expression didn't change, except perhaps to blush. "I think it's cute."

"Yes. Like a turtleduckling. Cute and useless. But it's worse than usual."

"And what do you want me to do about it?"

Azula sighed, thinking the answer painfully obvious. "What you do best."

Which is essentially how Mai found herself standing in the door to Zuko's bedchamber, while the prince tried to meditate in a space that seemed to be a disaster zone.

Papers and decorations were scattered across the room, hanging from the bedposts, and shattered against the wall.

Mai didn't say anything, and eventually Zuko opened his eyes to regard her. He seemed calm . . . for now, though previous experience had proven it did not take much to push him over the edge.

"Nice weather we've been having."

Somehow Zuko translated that to mean 'Tell me your life story as it has changed in the past twelve hours.' He tended to do that, but the results were never quite so entertaining.

Zuko cast about for words, waving his hands for emphasis, and after failing miserably, settled for a few inarticulate sounds of frustration, as he crawled miserably under the sheets.

Mai sighed as she sat down beside the agitated lump. "Don't make me come under there, young man."

Zuko sat up suddenly, staring at Mai with a surprised, startled, and somewhat pleased expression. "Oh. Wait." He crawled back under the sheets.

The weight of Mai's body, though, only moved away. Zuko sat up again, to an empty, cluttered room. "Mai?" He got up out of bed, and moved to look down the hall, every moment looking more like a wet, kicked puppy. "Mai?"

* * *

Ew, its all shippy and gross and BOYS ARE ICKY!! Bleh . . . . 

Normally I try to avoid shipping. Sorry about my innane prediction . . .

coughcough Anyways . . . .

Sokka learns from a mysterious swordsman . . . the Blue Spirit is a mysterious swordsman . . .

And from there, my condition went completely downhill, all the symptoms of fangirlism suddenly, blatantly present. But the first thing I actually saw in my mind was the image of Zuko pounding his head against a wall in frustration, and the subsequent meeting with Mai.

But honestly, I don't think Sokka would be that terrible . . . would he?

_sigh_ Mai is an interesting character, and as such difficult to write. I don't think I did her justice. Not that she would ever really care.

Emo luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv . . . . 3 (I'm not going to rant about cute emo fluff . . . I'm not going to rant about cute emo fluff . . . I'm not going to rant about cute emo fluff . . .)

I probably will later, and then I'll fly off the handle with something completely Zutara, and then I'll run away for Taco Bell with Judge Danforth, because Chalupas solve all your problems. Including those of the mental variety.

Abigail Williams will accuse you of being a witch if you don't review, so be good little Puritan children and do so.

Bleh. That made me gag.

CHALUPAS!!!! Review please.


	4. Cheesecake

So I was really really late and I didn't get a chance to watch 'Sokka's Master' until a few hours ago. It gave me so many beautiful ideas, you would not begin to imagine. Which is why you get this.

Anyways, what was with the title? It should have been something like 'Iroh beasts the world,' or 'Iroh gets totally ripped' or 'Iroh Worship.' Because, you know, all that stuff about Snoozles was totally filler crap. That episode was all about Iroh.

This was born of a conversation after a football game.

I love and adore Iroh. Just thought I ought to put that out there.

Iroh is made of awesome.

But I digress. This fic is supposedly about Zuko and Sokka and the shameless punishment of their ignorance by the fates.

But I love Iroh!!

* * *

**_Cheesecake_**

_"You just don't understand it because you don't have an imagination. Or a soul." - _A student, on why my history teacher does not like Lord of the Rings.

_

* * *

_

"So."

"So."

"Yeah."

"Yep."

"Yeah."

"Mm-hm."

"Seriously, guys, can't we think of something to do while Sokka's gone?"

Katara glanced up lazily at Aang and shrugged, while Toph turned to 'look' at Aang. "Maybe we could save Iroh?"

"You mean Zuko's uncle?" Aang ignored the angry hiss from Katara. "We don't even know where he's being held."

"Yeah, but we could find it."

"We don't even know —"

Toph suddenly jumped up. No one messed with her BFF, and Aang was not even going to suggest . . . _that._ "Quit bothering me with illigitimates! Pretend like we already know where he is! How are we going to get him out?!"

"We could bring him a cheesecake!"

"So we could have an excuse to get in. Ok, we're getting closer . . . ."

"Actually, I was thinking we could make a really big cheesecake, and put you inside it, and then sneak you in, and once we get you to Iroh, you can bend a hole in the wall, and then we can all leave!"

Toph blinked. Oh, how she missed Sokka. "Ok, no. No, that would never work. First of all . . . ."

**_Toph's senario_**

Rando M. Floozie's job had never been quite the same after The Dragon of the West had been incarcerated in his tower.

General Iroh had been his childhood idol. He had all the action figures, posters, even a shrine in his closet dedicated to the famed general, but when he fell from grace after the fiasco at Ba Sing Se, so to had Rando. This was how he managed to be a guard in the prison tower, unable to earn any glory in the war.

At first he had tried to make life a little easy for the aging general, not making a fuss over his royal nephew's visits. But it was just so tiring, so disappointing, to watch his childhood idol wasting away into dotage.

So that might have effected his feelings on the two children who showed up at the tower, carrying a rather large cheesecake between the two of them.

"Why is that cheesecake the size of a small earthbending child?"

"Certainly not to hide a small earthbending child, sir!" the boy said, smiling his most innocent smile.

"Mm-hm. And why is there a snorkel in the cake, about where the head of the hypothetical small earthbending child would be?"

The girl caught this one. "It's important to keep the cake aerated, especially when they are this large. It's definitely not for a small child named Toph Bei Fong, sir."

"Yeah." The guard squinted at the two children. "I think I'm going to have to confiscate that cake."

"What?!" both children cried out in outrage. "How can you do that?! General Iroh has a sucky family and a sucky life and now you're just going to make it worse by denying him the most amazing food in the history of junk food! You monster!" Aang shouted, while Katara cried quitely in the background.

It was unbecoming of a guard to feel pity, but all those things were true. The royal family royally sucked. The prison tower smelled really bad as a rule of existing, and being cramped in a small cell all day in the smelly tower must have been bad. So he let the children go.

Eventually Toph, with the sort of helpful help of Aang and Katara, was able to rescue Iroh.

_**End**_

"Well, I suppose it wouldn't turn out too badly," Toph continued, tapping her jaw thoughtfully.

"Why couldn't you just bend a hole in the wall in the first place?"

"Shh!" _Uh-oh._

"Sokka!"

"You're back!"

"Quick!" Toph said, jumping up and grabbing the watertribe boy by the arm. "You gotta help us go save Iroh!"

* * *

_Yeah. Iroh could paint himself green and call himself the 'Friggin' Incredible Hulk,' only that's insulting because that movie was awful, and Iroh is the opposite of everything awful._


	5. Guru Special

I know I promised more on 'Sokka's Master,' but what I have planned is going to take a while, and I'm lazy, and I have a bit of a curfew to keep, and I get my best writing done after curfew. I'll rebel . . . someday . . . when I'm not, you know . . . being lazy. Procrastination is love.

_**Guru Special On Writer's Block (And Destroying It)**_

Iroh, Pathik, and Toph, the great gurus of Avatar. Always there to give sound advice to those in need. Isn't it awkward, though, that the prefix 'ad' in latin means 'to or toward?'

Sunday, October 21, 2007 10:06 PM EST

The fabled Writer's Block has been plaguing me for several hours after my brief reprieve this past Saturday. I know not how much longer I can dodge it's fatal steps, protecting my precious cargo of ideas to be delivered up to the gods at the Temple of Fanfiction. But, alas, I must. Even now, boredom clouds my mind and dulls my wits. I cannot force myself to write more than these few, humble pages. Alas for how this journey has taxed me!

The task the Honkage has charged me with will not be taken lightly; outlining a 40,000 word rough draft in the time of a month boggles the mind. I fear I am not equal to the task.

I have met with a few gurus who have deigned to honor me with their infinite wisdom, which perhaps my people may use in their efforts to defeat the vile Block, even should I not survive the journey. Our greatest weapon against our hated enemy is ink and pen, paper and decktop. We must continue to write, even if we have nothing to report of our minds but inane babble. How can anyone be certain the chaos of our thoughts is not the home of our Paper Messiah?

The following is a report of my conversations with these three great gurus of thought and wisdom. May their words bring our people some solace; I have paid too dearly for them to be lost.

_**Toph on 'Writer's Blocks'**_

****

"Ok, you idiotic feeble-brained ink-monkey, a writer's block is just like any other block of stone. You got to be more stubborn than the rock if you want to bend it, break it, or totally mutilate it."

"But-"

"No buts! Now shut up and bend the stupid block!"

"But-"

"I told you! No buts! Now-"

"But I'm not an earthbender!"

"That's not a good enough excuse! Ugh, even Twinkletoes is better than you!"

"But he's the Avatar!"

"No excuse!"

"But-!"

"NO BUTS! Now! Bend!"

_**Guru Pathik on 'Writer's Block'**_

****

"Indeed, my young padawan, enlightenment may be found at Barnes & Nobles, but inspiration lies within. You must first overcome the block within yourself, to overcome the block without."

"You're not a jedi."

"Indeed."

"Then why did you call me a Padawan?"

". . . You must overcome your earthly attachments!"

"Technically—"

"Your name is not Bones! You cannot get me on a technicality!"

"Yes, but technically—"

"Technically nothing! Go, defeat your writer's block, and fulfill your destiny!"

_**Iroh on 'Writer's Block'**_

To locate this Master of the Order of the White Lotus I had to search deep within the confines of the Fire Nation, and of that tale I will tell nothing willingly. Just know this; the road was long and dark, my steps haunted not only by the minions of the enemy, but also those soldiers and nationals, all of whom are most distrustful of strangers.

I sacrificed much to get into that prison tower; my hair I had shorn and dyed, those clothes took days to procure, and it took so long to paint all the details of that ghastly scar, but finally I had all the persona of a troubled prince, lacking only the Firebending that would be unnecessary for this encounter.

The guards duly ignored me, save for one who seemed to sweat in my presence; he must have been the one to whisper the rumors to the horrid sister. I paid him no more mind than the prince would a gnat.

Every moment of my trails was worth these few minutes in a filthy tower with the master himself.

I prostrated myself before his cell, waiting for some word or motion of acknowledgment. I received none. It was this way for several moments, until I put my plan to action, moving towards the door.

"Ha!" I shouted, pleased with my cunning. "You are not senile, master! You have just moved to see if I was gone!"

"That's hardly a point against senility." The guard. I groaned.

"So speaks who?"

"Look, I'm just saying your uncle is not the man he once was, _your highness_." He squinted at my disguise. "Your voice a little high there, Prince?"

"I got kicked in the balls." The look in the guard's eyes told me more than one fanbase agreed that the Princeling deserved it. I would add it to my to do list.

"Taking on the guise of that which you loath in order to walk unseen. I like." He placed his fist to his palm and bowed. "But I ought to warn you, shift change is in five minutes, but you might want to disappear before then. Azula approaches, and the excuse that you're 'not really Zuko' might not help all that much."

"I thank you, sir." I returned the bow out of respect. It did not seem as though Iroh would drop dead at any moment, but I preformed ten bows and three kowtows to the revered guru before making my escape.

Perhaps my Honkage was right. The Writer's Block too often works hand in hand with the inner critic. As necessary as this critic is, it must be separated from the muse. Both are intrinsical parts of the Writing process and myself, and both must be accepted as such before I would be able to move on with my draft. They were warring, when they should have been coexisting. I need to read Utopia again. And Tao Te Ching. I am most gracious to the learned masters who have lead me to this solemn advice.

I hear the Block coming now; it will not be long before it overtakes me in my weakened state. My last hope is that this journal will somehow make it into the hands of my people. I can only hope my final rambling will be of use, and my troubles not fully in vain.

Farewell, dear and faithful friend. Until the next life. Heaven or hell, I'm certain there must be paper some—

(Here ends the account)

Zuko glared at the offensive words. "That's it?!" he shouted, tugging once more at the scroll for good measure. "What's that even mean? It doesn't have anything to do with Sozin!"

* * *

"Ooooooooooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaay . . . . but what does that have to do with anything?" Aang asked, tracing patterns on the dragon's scales. "I thought you were going to tell me about Fire Lord Sozin."

"Wrong flashback," Roku sighed, his shoulders drooping and expression dismal. "That crown prince really is hopeless, isn't he?"


	6. What's in a Name?

Disclaimer: It's not mine, I'm not making money off of it.

Someone else has got to have noticed this, besides me. I don't think Zuko was being an Angry Jerk with this. He was just being himself. You know, an idiot.

So this is more of a 'How stupid can you be?' chapter. Knowing Zuko . . . .

What's in a Name?

"Before we start, there's one thing I have to know," Zuko said, in the tone of (often inflated) importance which always began his usually boring introductions to emotionally scarring (yeah, right) monologues.

But Toph _loved_ it. If his heart rate was any indication, Twinkletoes was about to wet himself. He really didn't like Firebending, and it suited him less than earth, possibly. There was no way she knew to mess around with it, or make it useful for anything but work. She could barely _see_ it. It was the element of boredom.

As it was, she was not the only one who had deemed it necessary to watch Aang's first lesson with the Fire Prince, though her inspiration was probably less selfless. Knowing Zuko's temper and Aang's ineptitude, and the 'thin ice' the Prince was on with everyone else, popcorn had been in order. Never mind where she got it.

Aang himself was expecting something along the lines of some sort of intimidation speech, not that it would have made much difference. He was sitting here, and bending fire was beyond him, and he was a failure, and it was all he could do to hold the minimal resolve in his voice. "And that is . . ?"

As the Prince was turned away from them, they could not exactly see the look on his face, but Toph didn't need to see it to find herself utterly confused. _He's . . . embarrassed? Is that why he was chasing the Avatar all those years? If you were gay, that'd be okay . . . _

". . . Your name."

"What?!"

Toph seemed to be the only one who found it funny, rolling on the ground and holding her sides in laughter. Snoozles sputtered in disbelief for a moment, which only made it worse, and she couldn't exactly hear Katara's reaction.

She had calmed down enough by the time Aang had gotten over his shock. _Thought you were famous, now, didn't you?_ "So you chased us around for how long . . . and you don't even know our names?"

"It was never important!"

"What, you didn't have their wanted posters pasted all over the walls of your room, Fanboy?" Oh, it was so much better than Sparky or Princess(Hot Pants was just gross).

Before he could make a reply, Aang stepped in. "Ok, new plan. Zuko, you're going to have to learn who you're traveling with . . . ."

* * *

About ten minutes and a few random combustions later, Zuko was sitting cross-legged in the center of the floor that should have been used for Firebending, resting his chin on his hand and doing his best to ignore the lesson he was receiving instead. (i.e. pouting.)

"Ok, so I am . . ?"

"Avatar Aang."

Aang turned to point at the waterbender. "And she is?"

"Katara." Her only response was to try to outdo Zuko in the 'I'm going to be immature and not look at you,' department.

Aang turned next to the tiny earthbender. "And she is?"

"Toph Bei Fong." Toph smiled her creepy 'I'm not looking at you' smile.

Next, the water tribe idiot. "And him?"

"Snoozles."

"Why are you siding with the enemy!?" the idiot shouted at the still-laughing earthbender.

"Because it's _funny_!"

Aang slapped a hand to his bald forehead. "Ok, no. His name is Sokka." Zuko nodded once, smirking ever so slightly. "Next?"

"Teo . . . The Duke . . . ." Zuko looked at the relatively indifferent kid with the mustache. It was really too old for his face, and if Toph could see, she would probably have a thing or two to say about it. As it was, it always distracted the Prince from any sort of name. Was it Hari . . . ?

"Zorro?" he finally settled on, earning a glare from the boy who looked like a villain from a child's picture book.

"Haru," Aang sighed.

"Close enough."

"Zorro is a legendary thief said to live hundreds of years ago, _in the Fire Nation_," Aang stressed.

Zuko could have agreed and caused problems by implicating that Haru was a legendary thief living the Fire Nation, but he and Aang could probably agree that he was not one to talk about legendary thieves. "Can we start now?"

"You still have two more."

Zuko's gaze wandered over to the gigantic flying bison and the monkey-thing which was his companion. "Furball . . . ."

"Appa."

"And . . . what is that, exactly?"

"Momo is a flying Lemur." As if that explained everything.

"Oh." A rather long and awkward silence passed. "You just said its name."

"Say it anyways."

"You didn't make me say their names." Zuko inclined his head to the two irked teenagers.

"Say them, too."

_Every time you open your mouth, put your foot in it._ "Momo, Appa, Sakon, and Hara."

* * *

A few hours later, Zuko sat on a rock, waiting for Aang to go through the most basic Firebending set there was. This time, he took the popcorn when Toph offered.

"This is revenge for not getting the names right, isn't it?"


	7. What Might Have Been

**Beyond this point, there be spoilers** for the first eight minutes of The Western Air Temple. I haven't seen the rest, because my computer is utter evil.

Disclaimer : If I owned avatar, Zuko would have covered himself in honey so that Katara would lick him.

All I can say is, I am truly, deeply sorry. 'Tis the season, expect more odd things. Next chapter is Christmas flavored.

What Might Have Been

"Alright, you can stay."

"Sokka! What are you thinking?!"

Said Water Tribe warrior held up a hand, interrupting his now completely irate sister, and turned again to address the (former?) Fire Prince. "You can stay, but you have to be Appa's uke."

The only sound for a few moments was a dull thump as Zuko fell to the ground, fainted dead.

"Sokka," Katara began slowly, weighing her words as best she could, looking for something that might be more politically correct and not playing so much off of the stereotypes her brother embodied. "Yaoi is for girls," she finally settled on, concerned over what Aang might hear.

"Yeah, seriously, Snoozles, you're not mature enough to read anything like that," Toph continued.

Aang was at a loss. Not only could Toph not read, but . . . "What's Yaoi? And what's an uke?"

"Nothing!" the Water tribe siblings shouted, quickly restraining Toph so that they could continue their argument. "How do you even know what that is? You never read!"

"Oh, like those sicko gay-porn picture books count as reading. You gotta find a better place to hide your smut, little sis."

"It's not smut! And why would you read it?!"

"I got bored," Sokka shrugged. "But we have more important things to worry about, like what we're going to do with a mentally and physically scarred mental-deficient."

"That's easy, leave him."

"We can't just . . . ." Aang trailed off, risking a glance at the prince. "Never mind. I agree with Katara. Let's leave him."

"I sort of like Snoozles' idea better," Toph said, finally freeing herself from the waterbender. "That way, Aang gets a Firebending master, and Appa gets some loving."

"I still don't get what that has to do with anything," Aang muttered. Uke . . . yaoi . . . where had he heard this before?

"The entertainment value, Twinkletoes. It's so funny how insecure you boys are in your own sexuality to be bothered by concepts like yaoi and bestiality."

"Beastiality? Wha–? Oh." Another thump, and Aang and Sokka joined Zuko in his yaoi-induced coma.

_Alright, two for one! _Toph did a mental victory dance. _At least now I know how to get revenge for Iroh._ Toph smirked evilly at the thought. "What I don't get is why Snoozles fainted at that one. He brought it up."

"He probably didn't think it through completely," Katara replied. She glanced around at the comatose boys. "You know, if we had the earth kingdom represented, we'd have a matching set."

"Hey, guys, what's— ?" Haru paused, the Duke and Teo right behind him. "What happened here?"

* * *

_Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the Uke-est of them all? You thought it was going to be serious, didn't you? Once again, I am truly, deeply sorry._

_Poor, poor Haru. Who knows what Katara and Toph have in mind for them? Alas, I do not know. I'm not sure I want to._

_Allowing for that, my brother now fears deviantart, not just for yaoi. Isaia-san and BooterFreak-sama, I love you. Zhao's bringing sexy back, and my brother really doesn't want it._


	8. Holiday Madness

Disclaimer : I don't own Avatar or any of the songs you're about to see, or infomercials. Everything after this point is pretty much BSed.

And Zapatorf, since you didn't leave a reply URL, I just wanted to say, that's one of the best compliments a writer can ever get. This is a gift for you, unless you ship Maiko, in which case, wait for the next chapter.

My brother sort of kind of maybe helped with the idea of this. His name is CounterToThePath (I think, I'm a bad sister), so drop a PM down by him.

I have a Maiko one written, and a Kataang one in the works.

* * *

**Holiday Madness**

**

* * *

**

Just in time for the Holidays, be sure to please all the Avatards on your Christmas List with the new one-million track collection of **'The Music of Zutara!'**

This classic collection includes :

_Kataang and Zutara_

_Zutara Tonight_

_Hotel Zutara_

_Too Much Zutara_

_Zutara Having Flown_

_I'm Zutarified_

_You're the Ship I Want_

_Zutaraberry Wine_

_Keeping the Ship Alive_

_Sweet Painted Lady_

_Zutara To Ship_

_If Kataang Should Happen_

_Waiting On Zutara_

_Everyday Zutarica_

And many, many more!

But wait, there's **more!** Order today, and you will also receive our 'Zutara Christmas Carols' CD **Absolutely FREE!**

This track includes Holiday classics such as :

_Kataang Got Run Over by a Reindeer_

_Zuko the Emo_

_The Ukrainian Ship Carol_

_Adeste Zutares_

_The Twelve Ships of Christmas_

and many more!

Supplies are limited, so **order today**!

* * *

That being said, can you guess which song I didn't tamper with? 

And by order today, I meant review. Please.


	9. Zuko the Emo

Disclaimer : I don't own Avatar or Frosty The Snowman, or Frosty the Hitman

I wasn't planning on posting this so soon, but just so you know, last chapter, we hit a milestone. Chapter Eight, Holiday Madness, was the **Chapter of Evil**.

Wordcount : 6,**666**. No joke.

Grab your local exorcist, and have the holy water at the ready. We are about to purge the devil from this fic with even more stupidity.

Back by unpopular demand, the lyrics to 'Zuko the Emo!' Written one day during concert band, by myself and a friend not of this sight.

I have to post this soon, or my computer will become haunted, and remain haunted.

* * *

**Zuko the Emo**

* * *

_Zuko the Emo_

_Was an angry, disturbed soul_

_With twin dao swords and an oni mask_

_And a big scar on his face! (Ha Ha!)_

_Zuko the Emo's_

_Was a tragic tale they say_

_He was so Emo_

_It's how we all know_

_Why he fell in love with Mai_

_There must have been some magic in that Oni mask they found_

_For when they placed it on his face_

_He began to slash around_

_O' Zuko the Emo_

_Had to hurry on his way_

_So to Song's remorse_

_He stole her ostrich-horse_

_And ran off to Ba Sing Se!_

* * *

I could have put in the 'Thumpety thump thump' part in, but the only thing that would fit, that rhymes with 'thump' begins with an 'h' (Don't think about it too hard) and would require me to change this fic's rating to 'M.' I had to go up two chapters ago, and I'm not doing it again. 

Drop a review on your way out, and have a RamaHaunaKwansMas!!!


	10. Maikopalooza

Disclaimer : If I owned Avatar, 'Money wasn't what I had in mind,' would have ended a lot weirder.

Well, I promised the Maiko one. I ship Zutara, but I can't decide what I think of this ship. I mean, it has its purpose, and some of the things are funny, but . . . I really have no idea what to think of it. It exists outside the realm of my brain. Read my sort of angsty one-shot inspired by The Scarlet Letter if your really care that much.

And I'm not as proud of this one. Don't like the writing as much, and it's too short, but it did inspire one of the next chapters, so . . . we'll have to change that. I'm going to throw something totally off the wall here pretty soon.

It's also probably for the best if you read all the Christmas stuff in Claymation. This is my attempt at a RamaHaunaKwansMas Special. I will now proceed to inflict holiday cheer upon you.

* * *

**Maikopalooza**

* * *

Unsure of what you get your emo for Christmas this year? Well, look no further! Our angsty, bazillion-track collection of 'The Music of Maiko' is sure to please even the emo-est of the emos on your Christmas list!

Listen to these testimonials from friends and family members who purchased 'The Music of Maiko' for their lovely little bundles of angst :

"Sasuke-teme loved the emo music so much he got distracted, so I wacked him over the head and dragged him back to Konoha!"

This classic track includes such favorites as :

_Ship out of Hell_

_Angsting 'Bout You_

_When the Ship Goes Down (a duet with Uncle Iroh)_

_The More I Angst_

_Shipwreaker_

_Why Don't We Angst Together?_

_Living on a Ship_

_Zutara Mac Evil_

_Angsting Paradise_

And many, many more!

But wait, there's _**more!**_

****

Our first ten callers will receive the 'Sokkalicious' CD absolutely **Free!**

This new age techno track includes the songs :

_Sokkalicious_

_United State of Sokka_

_Sokkaplane_

_Full Sokka, No Good_

_Sokkalined_

_Move Any Sokka_

_Sokkaneezer Goode_

_Don't You Want Sokka?_

_Sokka of Life_

_Sokka Shanty_

_Sokka 3000_

_Sokkla Is Wrong_

And many more! Supplies are limited, so order today!


	11. Pixies

Disclaimer : See Chapter Seven.

This one goes back to 'The Avatar and the Fire Lord.'

Iroh's messenger has an odd sense of humor, and some of the more unexplained ninja-ish things that happen in Avatar intrigue me. Like how did Iroh manage to get into Lake Laogai and give Zuko that pwntastic uncle speech? And who did deliver that message? Was it the same genderless/faceless person who taught Zuko how to be a ninja? Who did teach Zuko how to be a ninja?

Well, this is sort of short, but I came across this in my computer and was like 'yep, this is finished.' I mean, I know I had something more planed for this, but it's sort of me trying to get back on track with the whole witty yet random what-passes-for-humor-to-my-brain.

And by the way, it's broken. I broke it. ArG mY bRaIn!!!!1!!!!oneone!!!!!!.

Seriously. Someone, send me a good Maiko fic, preferably funny, because I ODed on Zutara and now I need to get my brain pumped.

The Authoress has just fallen into a panic attack. Please refrain from poking her with a stick.

So what have we learned dear idiot authoress?

_That if you have no concept of identity, your brain explodes, or you start doing things like Zuko._

Like?

_MUST CAPTURE AVATAR!!!!_

Oh, and peoples? Apparently almost 4,000 people have looked at this fic. Looked and not cared to leave a review. That might be affecting Storm's current mental state (or lack thereof).

You see, when Storm doesn't leave a review, she has an excuse. Her mom downloaded a bazillion pop-up blockers, and they happen to block the little review boxie. She doesn't know how to turn them off, and she's not sure if she wants to.

_WHY IS THE WORLD SO CRUEL?!_

So be nice. Leave a review. As much as she (I, we) loves the fact that so many people thought her work was good enough to possibly lose braincells over it, she wants to know what she did right/wrong/indifferent.

_NO NEWS IS __**NOT**__ GOOD NEWS!!!_

So please, review.

_Ha, the Authors note is longer than the story!_

And on with it . . .

* * *

**Pixie****s

* * *

**

"Can't Sleep, clowns will eat me."

* * *

It had been the middle of the night when he got the letter, for spirits sake. What did whoever it was expect him to do? Jump out of bed, run to the nearest library, and ask for the largest, most complete volume of Fire Nation history they had to offer?

Yeah. Zuko didn't even really like books. It wasn't like he disliked them, but they had never been especially endearing and Zuko didn't know where else he would get the story.

He had decided to sleep on it, and the messenger had obviously taken offence to that.

Because every horizontal surface of his room was covered, end to end, in teacups.

* * *

rEvIeW tHeY aRe CoMiNg . . . ggggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh . . .

Puh-lease?

Purty Please?

PRESS THE LITTLE . . . purple . . . BUTTON!!!


	12. Up a Creek

Disclaimer : Talk to the yaoi paddle.

_Hey, Listen!_

My brother wanted me to inform you that Sprite is made from pixies that have been chopped in half, ground up, then carbonated.

_Finally, a use for Navi!!_

Anyone . . . ?

Fine.

So I read my last authors note . . . and I realize I went a little over the top. The state of my mental well-being was nothing you could really have helped. My procrastination just sort of caught up with me.

But reviews are still nice, and well-appreciated. I don't know if I ever thanked any of you guys properly for sacrificing your brain cells. So . . . Thank you, everyone. I'd paint you a picture or something, but since my art skills are rather lacking, I'll spare you.

Anyways, this is a throw back to way back in the first season, in the episode 'Bato of the Water Tribe,' though it actually takes place some time after the Western Air Temple, and it's complete crack. Katara's brainstorming for ways to get rid of Zuko, and she found one that just might work.

* * *

**Up A Creek . . .**

* * *

"Come on, Aang. You promised."

"No, _you_ come on! You're bringing this up now?! I thought you were kidding!!"

"Yes, well . . . ." Katara trailed off, a slightly evil smirk gracing her lips as she steered the Avatar through the halls for his first — and hopefully his last — firebending lesson with his new teacher. "You'll live."

"Are you really sure about that?"

"Come on, Aang. I'll be here. You're perfectly safe."

"But why can't you do it?"

"Because," Katara groped around for an idea, "I asked you to." Before Aang could protest how ridiculous that was, she shoved him out into the open space they would be using for practice. "Go get him, tiger."

_The things I do for love . . . _"Um . . . Sifu Zuko? There's something Katara wanted me to give you . . . ."

* * *

**. . . Without a Yaoi Paddle . . . .**

* * *

"_Aw, that's so sweet of Zuko. Would you give him a kiss for me when you see him?"_

"_Sure."_

* * *

Well, that's just what you get for missing Ohayocon, Katara, but I could have sworn I saw you there . . . . 

I know what you're thinking. _'No, Storm. Just no. You did not just write slash. You braindead son of an inkmonkey. Oh, no you didn't!' (_The rest of you are going to bother me about being a homophobe, aren't you? Put your minds at ease, and just know I'm not) I thought I established that Katara and Toph are avid Yaoi readers a few chapters ago in another brain-crunch 'Oh no you didn't' episode of my insanity.

Anyways, I told you I broke my brain, and that much is true. It's part of the reason I didn't write what happened (And, rest assured, I have one).

**This part of the Authors Note is actually Important!**

The other part is that there are actually several scenarios that could have played out.

The first one was that Zuko spontaneously combusted right then and there. As for the reasons . . . you decide what suits your shipping.

The other scenario, which was my first idea, was that Zuko immediately leaves and begs for death from Azula.

The third is actually my favorite . . . Zuko 'plays along' because he's dense, and he thinks Aang is telling the truth. Fearing the thin ice he's on with the Ga(y)ang, he . . . well, you know.

And everything continues to go downhill from there. Toph can't believe her feet, Katara is suffocating on her own mirth, Haru's looking forward to a threesome, Sokka's dead, and everyone else has no idea what is going on.

Since, if Zuko died, I would be without a purpose in life, it has to be the third one.

I make Teo really stupid, don't I? So sorry. _hugs Teo_

The kittens want you to review. They really do, you know.


	13. Children of Hakoda

Disclaimer: I don't own it!!

Oh good golly gosh!! I haven't even touched this fic in months, I've abandoned it so!! But I haven't had any real attacks of stupidity recently, thus the updating . . . really didn't happen.

I still haven't gotten the giggles for this fic in a while, but I don't want to just let it die, so you guys are about to get a blast from the past.

If any of you don't know, I'm really into Lord of the Rings. I mean, really into it. I saw the episode 'Sokka's Mastah' and _dude!_ There was my next big idea.

Then I forgot about it, until now, when I have an extra minute to actually write it.

* * *

**Children Of Hakoda**

* * *

"Ok, Twinkletoes," Toph said, watching Aang muck through his earthbending forms for the fifth time. "Something has your brain all gunked up, so go talk to Sugarqueen and get it out of your system."

Aang's shoulders drooped. "I can't," he said, plopping down on the ground.

"Why not?! She's Sugarqueen, that's who you always go to, to talk things over!"

"No, I really, really can't. It's about Sokka, and it would just be awkward."

Toph's ears pinked slightly. "What about Sokka?" she asked, hoping she wasn't being too obvious, but managing to convince herself she wasn't. These people called her blind, but they could be really dense.

"You know how his sword is black, right?"

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever."

"And you know what they say about black swords . . . ."

"Not really. What's the matter with Sokka's sword anyway? And what does its color have to do with anything?"

"There was this one story the monks told us. It was really weird, all about bad karma and what revenge will do to your soul. The main character had a black sword, and you know what they say—"

"No, I don't! Just tell me the story already!!"

Several hours later, Toph regretted that demand of her pupil. No offense to Aang's story telling skills; they were actually pretty good. But because Aang had already equated Sokka to Turin and Katara to Nenior . . .

"He married his sister?! And got her pregnant?!"

"Shh, be quiet! They might hear you!"

"But it's nasty!" Toph shouted. "And I would so not get killed that easily!! I'm not some little damsel in distress! Stupid elf!"

Aang looked at his sifu a moment, his head tilted. "Whatever you say, Sifu Toph."

* * *

Sorry about the short chapter, and you really did need to read Children of Hurin to get the joke, but whatever.

Please review! Hopefully the next chapter will be up sooner.


	14. It's Tea Time

* * *

Disclaimer : Don't own.

Honestly, I've been spending all this hiatus time in a good way: scouring the earth in search of new material._** Of Herbs and Stewed Plot Bunnies **_is the type of comedy fic that requires less brain capacity and more powers of observation, which I am sadly lacking. As for what's going on in the show, Haru's mustache is a catch-all, but an overused joke. For me, anyways. I know it looks like it was scribbled on by a rabid chinchilla wearing beer goggles, but still.

No.

This episode, I turned to the world of AU, and decided to turn this thing on its head once and for all.

_**Spoilers of a type that it may not be necessary to broadcast!**_

_For the Season finales of __**Supernatural, Bones**__, and __**House**_

They're just sort of mentioned, so if you want to read, read on, but if you don't . . . go watch them now!! And I don't own, by the way.

* * *

_**In order of appearance**_

Imre Marshall - **Iroh**

Zacharias Marshall - **Zuko**

Katherine Lynn - **Katara**

Scott 'Scottie' 'Scotland' 'McScottie' 'Snoozles' Lynn - **Sokka**

Sonia Kester - **Suki**

Hadley Griffith - **Haru**

Talia Bradley - **Toph**

Terence MacIntosh -**Teo**

Dillon 'The Duke' Creedy - **The Duke**

Acton Campbell - **Aang**

**One Last Warning!**

For those of you who care, this happens to have maybe a tiny little mention of my shipping. Yep, you heard it here first, folks.

**AStormIsBrewing ships OzaiTree**

**Don't forget to use environmental protection.**

* * *

_**It's Tea Time . . . do you know where your Avatard is?**_

* * *

In the New York apartment belonging to Imre Marshall, things were relatively quiet, as quiet as they could be with a teenager in the house.

Zach was naturally a quiet boy, taken to messing around on the internet, watching TV, playing video games, and other things a teenager does when he doesn't want to hang out with his posse, not that Zach really had one to speak of.

No, Zach was a loner, and he really, really liked his alone-time after school and before work. This never worried Imre - not until one afternoon when he heard a helpless (or hopeless) and inarticulate shout of rage coming from the living room.

"Zach, is something wrong?!"

"'New episodes of _Supernatural_ postponed indefinitely!'" the teenager shouted, pointing at the computer. "Stupid writers strike!"

"Zach," Imre began, "it's a television show."

"I know that! But they were in the middle of the season! Dean has less than a year before his contract is up, and he'll be dragged off to hell, and what if they don't get the colt back?! They'll never kill that little freaky demon Lilith!! How would you like it if you woke up one morning and 'General Hospital' was cancelled?!"

"I would faithfully watch the reruns."

"But the season finale—!"

"Just be patient," Imre sighed. "The new episodes will be back before you know it."

"Whatever," Zach muttered, turning back to the computer.

* * *

Several hours later, Zach was ridding the counter of the streak marks left by grubby-fingered little kids pointing at the candy. The theater was packed, because no one was at home to watch any of their favorite TV shows.

No, Zach was not in a good mood. His mood stayed permanently sour, reflected on his features to the point where no one stopped at his station at the concession stand to mess up his perfectly clean counter, no sir. Stupid writers would get to know a few demons if they didn't get their acts together . . . .

Hours passed this way, and Zach stayed angry. The floods of movie-goers left the theater, until clean up was beginning, and two teenagers were herded out of the last show, arguing animatedly with each other and the employee.

"I tell you, it ain't fair! What do they need us to do, open the gates to the netherworld and release all the stupid demons so we can see Dean and Sam kick butt for real?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Scott," the girl said. "I don't care about your stupid shows, I just wish they would put House and Bones back on! Things were just getting interesting, Bones and Booth had finally kissed! And then they just ended it!"

"Well, good riddance to the sappy love stories," Scott said. "This concession opened?" he asked, turning to Zach. The boy in question nodded. The other teen leaned over on the counter and continued, "I'll have a bag of M&Ms, some of those Reese things, a large Mountain Dew, some popcorn, and—"

"Just water," the girl said.

"Yeah, some water." Scott turned back to his sister — they looked too much alike to be anything else. "But what do they want us to do? Beg? Really, I can. I can pull a perfect Raisin in the Sun ending if they want to, make 'em bawl their freaking eyes out. Then they'll have some material for a new episode. You know the feeling, man?"

Zach looked up from filling the fountain drink. "Yeah. Right after that episode with the demonic Santa-Claus, too. Really sucked."

"See, Kat, he gets it!"

The girl rolled her eyes. "Boys."

It was time for the competition. "I have the first and second season on DVD, box sets."

"I have every season on DVD, and this season TiVo-ed."

"He's got you there, Scott."

"Yeah, yeah," the teenager muttered, grabbing his food. "See ya, later and keep the change. It's what you get for converting to the One True Religion. Live long and prosper."

"Star Trek is dead, man."

"Yeah, but Zombies are still the coolest thing out there, no matter what this one says about Vamp—!" And the glass door cut off the rest of his speech as he was dragged out the door by his sister.

Weird kid.

But at least he wasn't alone in his plight.

* * *

_**Several Months Later**_

* * *

Zach never expected his home to host a party of sobbing, weeping, women. Or teenagers. Or preteens. Well, he had expected his Uncle to cry at the season finale of _House_, but . . . .

"Pass the friggin' tissues, man!" Scott was holding his girlfriend, Sonia, who was sobbing into his shirt, but Zach didn't know if he wanted the tissues for himself or for Sonia, or for Hadley, who's tears and snot were going to get into his mustache if he wasn't careful.

"I'm sort of stuck." Talia Bradley had her face in his shirt, chanting her mantra 'I'm not crying!' while Terence and Dillon tried unsuccessfully to suck it up and be a man. Zach didn't know when he became the dad, but the only little kid he wasn't swamped by was Acton, who was sitting on the floor and being comforted by, and alternately comforting Katie.

Katherine Lynn — now there was a miracle in the world, and no mistake — looked up at him, while she was embracing Acton, still shaking and eyes still bloodshot. Zach had the honor of having the same first name as one of the fallen, and it had to have been what had sent her into fresh tears.

No, Zach had come to expect a lot of things when he began hanging around the mix-matched New Yorkers, but being glomped by them all was not what he had bargained for.

He would never live it down.

But that was ok. He could still live it. Those endings were sad, but their stories weren't over. So everyone was crying (except him, one eye couldn't, the other eye wouldn't, not until later), but it was ok. Life would go on. He wasn't alone.

None of them were alone. Not anymore.

* * *

"And I was thinking — is something wrong?"

Zach looked up, wiping his eye with his thumb. "Just something in my eye."

Katie didn't look convinced, but a small, sad smile tugged at her lips. She leaned against the wall, shaking her head. "I start bawling over some dead fictional characters, my shows end and I think I have it bad, but—"

"But I have it worse than any of us, you were going to say." Zach sighed, rubbing his eye, the unscarred one. "It doesn't matter."

They stood in silence, leaning against opposite walls in the hallway, while everyone cleaned up, gathered their things, and left with their thoughts.

Katie was the first to break it. "Thanks for letting us use your apartment."

"It was no problem." Damn eye itch. "It was the least we could do, for having to put up with me and your brother on Thursday."

She laughed a little. "I never gave the show a chance until then, but I was crying, too."

Now Zach laughed — "'Too?' Who else was crying?"

"Scott, until all hours of the night. And you probably came back here, found your teddy bear, curled up under the covers, and begged the demons not to eat you."

"Probably." Stupid, damnable, eye itch!

"Probably?"

"I mean, look at me." He gestured to his face, just his face, for once, and not the scar. "I'm such a sap."

"You're not." Katie hugged him, quick, natural, squeezing his stomach in more ways than one. "But we love you anyways. Just make sure you don't go talking to any strange cannibals."

He smiled, a real smile, not one of those broken ones. "I won't."

And she smiled. "Good. Acton! Scott! Everybody, time to clear out!"

And they were gone — her friends, his friends, their friends, part of him, now — leaving behind them a mess, but a happy mess. The kind of mess that said someone lived there. Zach walked through the living room and flopped on the couch next to his uncle, the sort of good tired, emotional tired that meant there was nothing left to feel, that the nerves and brain could rest.

"Some night," he said.

"Very uplifting," his uncle replied. His uncle knew how to use sarcasm?

But the joke was lost, and Zach was just tired. Until a thought crossed his mind.

"Did we TiVo it?"

* * *

Bwahaha, now you know what it's like! Evil characters of Doooooooom . . . .

Sigh. I wrote the first half of this before the season finale of _Bones_ and _House_, and then I wrote the second part after. I couldn't have planned it better.

I mean, I was going to put a long, angry rant here, but I don't have it in me. I hope I don't give anything away to people who actually care, but still.

I'm sad.

I really did cry when Dean died.

I thought I was going to be crying for Booth, but then I was convinced it was Sweets, or Hoggins, but Zach?! Zach Addy?! _**MY**_ Zach? My mom and brother came home from a concert just in time to see me bawling as _House_ came on.

So my favorite characters don't always die. Sometimes they just turn evil and make everyone miserable.

So I still feel the crying thing.

And then _House! __**House!!**_ No one can say he doesn't have a heart anymore.

So I'm going to go sit in a corner. Those finales were so very uplifting.

Then I'm going to see the Avatar season finale and do the same thing.

This brings up an important point.

_**I DON'T WANNA SEE, HEAR, TASTE, TOUCH, READ, OR SMELL ANY SPOILERS!!**_

If you've read the novelization or any spoilers in it, good for you. I don't wanna know. I love to read. Just not spoilers. So don't tell me.

If you aren't weeping, send me a review. Maybe I'll stop. . . .


	15. Sokkalicious

Disclaimer : If I owned Avatar : The Last Airbender, genemite would not have been made of rock candy.

So. I found this on my computer, I had written it a while ago, right after Western Air Temple, I think. Or maybe after DOBS, because it was right before Christmas that I published _Maikopalooza_ . . . I don't know.

Do you want to know where I got that title for Maikopalooza? The freaking most annoying commercial on the radio station I usually listen to . . . '_We're gonna have a kidsapalooza! Great fun in the great indoors!'_ I think getting shot in the face is probably more fun than listening to that song over and over again, because they just kept playing it. . . .

That being said, I haven't done anything for Sokka recently(nothing from his POV, anyways), and while I feel totally justified in abandoning him in favor of my favorite idiot, this was really too good to pass up.

* * *

_**Sokkalicious**_

* * *

"_Sokkalicious definition make them girls go loco!_"

It had been a week, and Zuko was still getting used to the various . . . quirks . . . of the Avatar's followers. Or maybe the phrase was not so much 'getting used to' as 'surviving.'

He didn't think things through. He could accept that. That facet of his being had driven his life for years, and it was one he did not have the power to change. Uncle Iroh had tried to pound it into his head, but the lesson never really sank in. Not until now.

He was on the side of good, now, and he was supposed to feel good . . . wasn't he? But being stalked by a waterbender with a grudge and having to clean up after the fuzzy beasty of death just because 'Appa likes _you_ best,' was not _just peachy._

Always being last to bathe was also one of the less-appealing sides of being 'good.' Not only did it mean he had to heat and haul water most of the afternoon, after he had finished the Avatar's lessons (barely kept at the level of civility, just below a shouting match. Just because Aang was willing to learn Firebending did not mean he had any sort of natural aptitude for it), after he had finished everything, he had to put up with Sokka . . . being Sokka, for an indefinite period of time.

That meant listening to his flat, still-cracking voice and the awful songs he made up, which was not something his sanity could withstand for very long.

_Merry freakin' Christmas, Katara. I've lost my mind. I hope you like it._ It was to the point where he was willing to offer up his still-beating heart to the water tribe siblings to just make it stop.

"_I'm Sokkalicious t-t-t-t-t-tasty, tasty!"_

* * *

**Please Review!**


	16. Mai Doesn't Need Protection D8

Disclaimer: I don't even own the idea on this one, folks.

Oh. Wow. I've been thinking dirty thoughts about The Boiling Rock Part 2, but they were all too dirty for what I usually write. I had to get my eighth grader brother's opinion before I could come up with anything writeable, and even then. . . .

This is raunchy. Strait raunchy, too, if you would believe it! I mean, I still can't believe I'm writing this, but that's usually how this fic works.

_**Spoilers for Boiling Rock Part 2**_

And don't you be getting any ideas. I've probably already had them. (That's a lie, authoress.)

Ok. Fine. Of course Sokka looked hopeful the moment Zuko mentioned sandwiches! And Azula cracked the moment Mai said she miscalculated, because she knew Mai was right. And yes, Jeccelo, Zuki does look somewhat sexy because of that 'rematch' moment.

But I'm still a Zutarian.

At least Azula busted out that amazing line before she when insane! "I'm a people person." I _melted._

But for serious! Was anyone else reminded of The Shawshank Redemption? I was waiting for Zuko to bust out the calculator.

* * *

**Safe Sandwiches, Use Condiments**

* * *

Rando M. Floozie was really trying to turn his life around. After the fiasco of General Iroh's escape, he had been shipped off to the Boiling Rock, not as a prisoner, but as a guard. They really usually didn't have to do much, so a failure such as himself would be perfectly at ease.

During the lock-down, Rando had been sent to protect the Warden's niece, and whoever chose him was obviously oblivious to his record.

Because he failed. Again.

Well, at least she couldn't very well be hurt inside a prison cell.

"Why didn't you stop her?!" the warden shouted, spit hitting Rando's face.

"She said she didn't need any protection, sir!" was the guard's only excuse.

"Yes, after all, that was how Zuko came about."

The guard and the Warden looked up at the Princess of the Fire Nation. For a while, she had been touch-and-go with the clinical insanity thing, but the people of the world could go back to sleeping with daggers under their pillows; it looked like Azula was going to pull through.

* * *

You know the drill! Leave a review, or it's the cooler for you! And no wrenches!!


	17. Benders In Disguise

**Disclaimer**: No Avatar, No Transformers, No Batman.

I haven't written anything in a few days, and that usually makes me extremely dysfunctional, which I am, now. I've got the jitters and I can't make myself do anything except live in the story-worlds I've created, all of which are not to my liking at the moment.

I guess I have the end of Avatar to blame for it — amazingly epic, but now what am I supposed to do? Since the season finale I've latched onto three series that I haven't watched in a while, or ever; Star Trek: Voyager, Law & Order SVU, and The X Files. Two out of three says that's just for basic wish fulfillment. I mean, consider the characters, the main personalities that make the show: Captain Janeway and Seven of Nine (sorry, Chakotay, better luck next time), Benson and Stabler, Scully and Moulder? Can't fake the chemistry, people.

The good news is that I have gotten back into reading. I just went on a college road trip, and while staying in one of the most confusing towns in New York that wasn't New York, I got to see _The Dark Knight_.

Ooooh, _yeah_.

You can thank Batman for getting me back into the books, because not only did I buy a gazilion books on this trip, I got a novel called _Batman: Inferno_. It was actually really good, for being an overinflated fan-fiction, but it was one of those that is on a whole new level. I read it in a day.

The one thing that seeing the movie and reading the book have in common is the fact that, not only are all the Joker's jokes funny, but I pegged his every move. Well, maybe not every move, but still.

I'll tell you what I got right if you ask, but I'm not going to ruin it for everyone, because it is a great movie, and you need to go see it.

In fact, go check your local listings right now, grab a couple bucks, and go. I'll wait.

. . .

Have fun? _Wasn't it so amazingly freaking awesome-tastical?!_

Now this chapter is sort of a crossover with another great movie that they are actually making a sequel of right now, that I just never tried to finish, and probably won't. It's mostly dialogue, and focuses around Katara(AU, Katie) and Jazz.

And you do know the deal the my AU names right? I never change them, but I'll run the list again.

Katie Lynn — Katara

Scott 'Scotty McScotty Scotland Snoozles' Lynn — Sokka

Acton Campbell — Aang

Talia Bradley — Toph

Hadley Griffith — Haru

Brett Cromwell — King Bumi

Jake Owens — Jet

Sonia Kester — Suki

Stephanie — Smellerbee

Laurence — Longshot

Imre Marshall — Iroh

Zachariah Marshall — Zuko

Abigail Marshall — Azula

Owen Marshall — Ozai

and

Gran-Gran as Herself

* * *

**Fender-Benders In Disguise**

_No, this new movie has fast cars, spaceships, or ninjas (preferably all three)— yep, a good old-fashioned laser movie. — Glenn Beck_

* * *

"Katie, it's a classic sports car. The insurance will be insane."

"It's not red or yellow, the insides are drab cloth, and I'm a 4.0 GPA. You'll get enough discounts for that!"

"And seriously, Gran, did you get a look at this engine?! It's practically new! Like it's never been driven once. Gran, you have got to get this car."

"Scott, the car is for _Katie_."

"I think she likes it enough."

* * *

"I now pronounce you Fangirl and Car. You may kiss the hood." Katie rolled her eyes, but a moment later, the horn beeped(only it was so much cooler than a beep, because this was a corvette) and the headlights flashed. "Cool."

* * *

"That braindead son of a, if he so much as lays a finder on you, I swear I'll snap it off. Oh. Oh, he's gonna skate past you now, if he even—" But Katie's new corvette put a new meaning to the term 'smart car' when its door malfunctioned and smacked the skateboarding punk off his wheels.

* * *

_Dude looks like a lady . . . _Katie slammed a fist on the dashboard. "Jazz, straighten up right now, or you are so not getting that laser carwash next week."

* * *

"I _like_ Bumblebee. At least he's cultured, unlike some other gigantic transforming robots I know."

"Well, if you like him better . . . ."

"Jazz, I'm kidding. I'd never choose another robot over you." Katie hugged the metal leg beside her. "But I'd be a little more appreciative if you would watch Miyazaki movies with me."

"Dude, does giant fighting robot mean anything to you? I don't do toons."

"Optimus Prime liked it."

"Hey, man, not fair; don't bring the boss into this. This is about my tastes."

"Or lack thereof."

"I thought you liked it when I played Mr. Policeman on that last high speed chase."

"So we can agree on some things. And the way you torment Zach makes me feel all warm and fuzzy."

"Boss says I can't be overtly harmful anymore."

"Then we'll just have to use subversion. Anyways, he's already terrified of you, and he doesn't even know what you can really do."

"I think you like him."

"What?!"

"Yeah, girl, you know you do. What would your life be if you couldn't exchange insults with him on a regular basis? You're really not much better than his sister, El Chubacabra, in that regard."

"You really don't know the half of it," Katie muttered, walking to another part of the junkyard.

"Try me, girl. We had ladies on Cybertron, and so we had lady problems, too."

"He takes everything as an insult, so after a few days of not knowing what I had done wrong, I decided to give him something to take as an insult. We've been enemies ever since, and he seems to get off on bothering this kid, Acton. He's going to be a Freshman next year, and he's a really sweet kid, but Zach really doesn't like him. God, why are all the guys I know scummy shitheads?"

"Watch your language, girl. And what about Hadley? Is he not a guy?"

"I mean, guys that . . . mother of God, do you have to pry like that?!"

"You mean hot guys you think of like 'that,' instead of just bros, right?"

"If you tell Scott . . . ."

". . . . You'll open up the heavens and rain destruction upon the world, if your brother doesn't get to it first, am I right?"

"Pretty much."

* * *

I'm going to go keep fangirling over the new Batman movie, so . . . yeah. Just . . . ignore the foam. I'm housecleaning.

**Please Review!**


	18. Spirit of the Season

Disclaimer: I'm still mad at Viacom. They can have their stupid characters! I'm going to pout.

It's December. You know what that means.

__

No more NaNoWriMo?

No . . . well, yes, but it also means the beginning of the RamaHaunaKwansMas Special! Santa says that Zuko kicks butt but still fails epically for leaving his sister chained to a grate for more than a month! So he remains on the _Naughty List_. Word on the street is, Mai doesn't mind all that much.

And what? I'm actually posting in this fandom again? It's a Christmas Miracle, but I'd never abandon Iroh.

I wrote this after watching The Western Air Temple for the first time (has it really been a year?) And I sort of just let it rot in my hard drive. Or maybe ferment is a better word. Anyways, it's not up to snuff compared to my more recent work, but it's grammatically correct and it made me giggle when I found it.

So I present to you, Sokka and Zuko, being shot down. By Santa.

(Dialogue Mostly.)

* * *

__

The Spirit of the Season

"This season is all about giving, Zuko, so I'm giving myself to you!" the avatar shouted, all decked out in green.

"Really?!"

"Pfft. No."

* * *

__

From Azula, With Love

"You know, for a brainless, dirty water tribe peasant, you really aren't all that bad. Since it's Christmas and everything, do you want your little warrior girlfriend back?"

"Would I!"

"Good luck with that."

* * *

__

Red Christmas

"You know, since it's Christmas, Zuko, I was thinking I might let you return to the Fire Nation without the Avatar."

"Really?!!!"

"No."

* * *

__

If Only In Your Dreams

"Pie, can I eat you?"

"No."

* * *

A/N: Not only that, but Zuko is getting coal from Santa this year.

**Please Review!**


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